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PUBERTY HOE DOWN:
Greg Proops:
(squeaky voice)
My
voice is high and screechy, my hair was lank and freaky,
I walked around the school feeling full-on totally geeky,
But
the thing I hated most, when I went to the dance,
Was getting dragged across the lawn, in my underpants.
Drew Carey:
Well I hated high school, I did not have a ball,
I just hated walking through the hall,
I
hated going to every class,
'Cause of pimples on my face, but now they're on my ass!
Colin Mochrie:
The hardest time of my life was going through puberty,
It seemed like everything around
just excited me.
Now listen to me now, this isn't one of my rants,
When you go through puberty, do not wear sweat pants.
Ryan Stiles:
I didn't handle the puberty thing too well,
In fact for me it was like going to hell,
And
it was kind of 'barrassing if the truth be told,
'Cause when I went through it I was forty-two years old.
All:
Forty-two years old!
BIRTH HOE DOWN:
Wayne Brady:
Thank goodness for my mom, that I was made,
It
was 27 years ago that my dad got .... (censored: laid)
That's right, you see upon closer inspection,
I'm standing
here 'cause he didn't use protection!
Denny Siegel:
When a woman gives birth, her man is filled with pride,
All through the delivery, he stands
right by her side.
But 9 times out of 10, she'll say to him "You jerk!
You got to do the fun part, and now I do all
the work!"
Colin Mochrie:
Ellen is my wife, the other day she gave birth,
It was the most beautiful thing on this
God's earth,
When I saw her do it, I said "Oh my God dear Ellen,
Looking from this angle looks like a straw passing
a melon!"
Ryan Stiles:
I came out of my mother at exactly 10 to 5,
Everyone screamed and ran and yelled "It's alive!"
I
can't really blame them, I guess it was kind of scary,
Everyone tells me I resemble Drew Carey!
All: Resemble
Drew Carey!
GAMBLING HOE DOWN:
Wayne Brady:
Here we go!
You can shut me
up, I promise I won't ramble,
I always go to Vegas, if I wanna gamble,
But this time, my reason is a beaut,
I'm gonna
go to Vegas to get a prostitute!
Drew Carey:
Oh if you ever gamble, take some advice from Drew,
There's something you should never ever
ever ever do,
What's the best advice? The best advice, I guess,
Is if you ever win big, don't tell the IRS!
Colin Mochrie:
After playing strip poker, I'm naked at the table,
Gee I feel really bad and really quite
unstable,
There's nothing worse like sitting there, in your birthday suit,
Never play strip poker at a correctional
institute!
Ryan Stiles:
I just heard that Vegas just went broke,
Apparently it's because of just one single bloke,
They
never thought that they'd ever see this day,
But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet!
All: Drew Carey
eats buffet!
BLIND DATE HOE DOWN:
Wayne Brady:
So there I am, I got a message in a bottle,
I've
won a free date with a tall supermodel.
She was about six foot five, but the date was really lame,
I didn't have a good
time 'cause we played The Crying Game.
Drew Carey:
I used to hate blind dates, they never did work out,
They'd give me a kiss on the cheek
and then they'd throw me out,
Nowadays my blind dates go off without a hitch,
I know I'm not good looking, but I'm really
really rich.
Colin Mochrie:
I had a blind date, it really was the pits,
Nothing worked all night, I kept getting
hit,
She really was abusive, man oh man oh man,
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?
Ryan Stiles:
I had a blind date, just the other night,
The type of girl that really shouldn't be in
the light,
She wasn't really attractive, she was kind of bland,
But she still beat the hell out of using my right ####!
(censored: hand)
All: Using my right hand!
CHRISTMAS HOE DOWN:
Brad Sherwood:
I look forward to Christmas,
each and every day,
But this year I got no presents and I don't know what to say,
I guess that old Santa Claus was nothing
but a liar,
And there was a funny smell when I lit the fire.
Drew Carey:
Christmas is a holiday that I really hate,
There's nothing about it to which I can relate,
So
every December 25th, I kick off my shoes,
And go down to the deli, and hang out with the Jews.
Colin Mochrie:
Up in the North Pole, the elves all went on strike,
Santa didn't care, he said "Go on,
take a hike."
Things were horrible that Christmas, it all just turned to poo,
As Shakespeare said, remember, "To thine
own elf, be true."
Ryan Stiles:
I love when Santa goes delivers all the toys,
I love to see the smiles on all the girls
and boys,
It really is a holiday, a time to pause,
Every Christmas Eve you'll find me ####### ### ######. (censored:
"porking Mrs Claus")
BACHELOR HOE DOWN:
Greg Proops:
I went up to Drew's house, because he's
gettin' married,
He's going to be married to the girl that'll be Mrs Drew Carey,
He said there'd be a stripper and there
was and it was scary,
'Cause when the stripper came out, it was Drew Carey.
Drew Carey:
At a bachelor party, we took off our clothes,
It was pretty wild, heaven knows,
I was
embarrassed when I went to tip her,
Turns out my mother, was the stripper.
Colin Mochrie:
I went to a bachelors party, I really had a ball,
Boy I consumed an awful lot of alcohol,
In
fact it was really bad, in fact it spelled my doom,
'Cause when I awoke I found I'd married the groom.
Ryan Stiles:
My friends threw me a party, I knew that I was sunk,
We stripped right down all night long,
got really drunk,
Dancing with my naked friends, boy, that's the life,
As a matter of fact, to hell with my wife.
All:
To hell with my wife!
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