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Songs of Airline Travel
Ryan: Hi. We'll be back to
our feature presentation, "Men in Back", in just one moment. But right now we've got a special offer for you.
Colin:
Airlines. Flight, planes, stewardesses, pilots. That just screams out music, doesn't it?! You know, people always request
this next song, ...
Ryan: I know what you're talking about...
Colin: That
great samba hit, "Coffee Or Beef?".
Brad: Coffee or beef, what is
your reply?
If we crash put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye.
Debra: Well I don't
want to sound hicky,
And I think this answer might sound retriki,
But I tink I'll just take the coffee, and stay away
from the beef.
Brad: What a relief!
Ryan: Oh boy... you know...
I am exhausted already.
Colin: And wait, that's just one of the many kinds...
Ryan:
There's more than one?
Colin: It'd be a silly record with one!
Ryan: I know what
you're thinking, hey, sounds like music for older people.
Colin: You know, it does at that.
Ryan:
No no no! There's some rock and roll on this album too... four or five hits, number one being the one that was on the number
one charts for eighty-four weeks in a row...
Colin: Can you handle all these numbers?
Ryan:
The classic, "Somebody Wake Up The Fat Guy".
Brad: I gotta go to the bathroom,
and I'm feelin' poor.
Somebody wake up the fat guy, he's blockin' the lavatory door.
I gotta go in there because it's
hit and miss, oh baby yeah,
I've been standing in line and I've really gotta take a tinkle.
Debra: Yeah
I saw that fat guy over there and he sleeps.
While I'm sitting here trying to get away, while I'm sitting here weeping.
Well
I know he seems like a drag, five times he's used that sleeping bag,
Come on baby, wake up the fat guy over there.
Brad:
Whoohooo!
Ryan: Oh boy... I gotta go
just hearing it. You know what? My favourite song is on this album.
Colin: You're not serious?!
Ryan:
I am serious. I am talking about the rhythm and blues favourite, "If We're Going Down, I'm Doing The Stewardess".
Brad: We're gonna crash in a
couple of minutes or so, (Debra: Minutes or so, yeah!)
And baby I tell you I know the only way to go. (Debra:
The only way to go!)
I wanna have fourteen vodkas and a big back rub,
I'm gonna do the stewardess and join the mile
high club. (Debra: The mile high club!)
Whoo heee (Debra: Mile high club!)
Ooh ohh ohh (Debra:
Mile high club!)
Ooooh!
HITS OF THE BATHROOM:
Clive: And it's Hits of the Bathroom. That's bathroom in the British sense, not the American sense of
being somewhere where you go and do whatever you do in an American sense. You know what I mean.
Colin:
No, not really.
Ryan: Want to throw that big party but just haven't got the music to play? Well now on a 2 record set
you can get the hits of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s. Can't you Bob?
Colin: You sure can!
Ryan:
Who could ever forget the number one gold album, the rock opera, "If You're Out Of Toilet Paper, Use The Towel Marked His".
Josie: And I just don't know what to do,
Every time I try to go for a poo,
I'm sitting on the loo,
but it's such a caper.
Because when it comes to pass,
And I look for something to wipe my arse,
I find that I've
run out of toilet paper.
I've run out, of toilet paper.
Ryan: Oh yeah. That really takes me back to my childhood.
Colin: Oh it certainly
does take me back to your childhood. But who could forget this popular hit, popular in the 50s, "You Are My Suds, I Am Your
Soap".
Josie: Oh we had such a laugh, didn't we John?
When we sat in the bath, didn't we John?
Oh you covered
me in so many bubbles,
Rubbed them all in, I forgot all my troubles.
You went into every little crack, didn't you John?
Took
a loofah to my back, didn't you John?
Oh I love you, come on let me rub.
Let's remember our days in the tub. John.
Ryan: Love it. Believe it or not I got my first kiss to that song. Bring back some memories? The year
was 1962 and boy we had a lot to protest about didn't we?
Colin: Boy.
Ryan: There
was an anthem for a whole generation in the top number one protest hit song, "I'm So Small 'Cause You Used All The Hot Water".
Josie: Where has all the hot water gone?
Gone to wash the lady.
Where has all the hot water gone?
There's
no more left for you, soldier baby.
Oh, the hot water's gone, it's up and drained away,
But life's not as bad as you
think.
'Cause when people go in cold water, soldier boy,
Everyone around tends to shrink.
SONGS OF THE BUS DRIVER:
Ryan: Hi! We interrupt your
commercial to bring you another commercial. We've got an offer for you. Over 500 songs on 50 CDs.
Colin:
And what about? Why, our old friend, the bus driver. Throughout the ages, well, at least the ages where we had buses, the
bus driver has been our friend. And we've had songs that went along with our bus driver friend. Remember this Michael Jackson
hit, "You're Not On My Route!" (root) Would that be route? Route. (rowt)
Wayne: Ah, ah, hiss, uh
uh.
You want me to go north, I'm goin' south.
You're not on my root, I mean rowt. Hoo!
Girl, you're buggin' me, you're
makin' me scream,
Because you're not a bus driver's dream, ah!
I'm drivin' the bus-a, now people in the back,
Because
where you're goin', is it common sense that you lack,
I'm not goin' your root-rowt, mmm!
Your root-rowt, ohh!
Your
root-rowt, huh!
Your root-rowt, mmh!
Ryan: Michael Jackson, a wonderful
singer and a great head coach. Y'know, there's a lot of songs that you won't hear in this country, that we've taken from others.
How much would you pay for a 5 CD set like this? Or even a 50 CD set like this?
Colin: Why, I'd pay
up to fifty thousand dollars.... but, I am an idiot!
Ryan: But you're from Canada, so with the exchange...
Colin:
I'm still an idiot!
Ryan: There are so many hits on this CD set that you can't listen to 'em all
in one day! But you can try. And you know, none is more popular than that number one country-western hit, simply titled "Pfffff".
Wayne: Pffffff.
(bottle blowing
noise x4)
(scratchboard noise x3) Chhhhhhh.
(bottle blowing noise x4)
(scratchboard noise x3) Chhhhhhh.
(bottle
blowing noise) Eh! Eh! Eh! (horn)
C'mon! C'mon!
Chhhhhh. Chhhhhh.
(bottle blowing noise x2) (scratchboard
noise x2)
Ting! Clink!
(to Colin & Ryan) Come on!
Colin: You know, when driving
a bus, or as our Canadian friends say, "a boos", as our regular viewers know...
Ryan: You made me
giggle.
Colin: I know. As our regular viewers know, I'm a pretty hip, groovy guy. And I love the 80s
funk.
Ryan: Oh, who doesn't?!
Colin: Remember that great one? "I Got A Flat
Tire, I Got A Flat Tire".
Wayne: Man, I didn't think that
I'd be alive,
Drivin' down the four-oh-five,
All of a sudden, just like that,
My bus went "eeeeeeek", damn, I got
a flat!
Oh, that's right,
Makes me want to retire,
Yeah baby,
I've got a flat tire.
I've got a flat, uh, flat,
uh,
You know what to do,
I got a flat, dm ch ch, say what?
I've got a flat. Ow!
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